whee... children's day so fun... haha... got to wear my class t-shirt! our class t-shirt is so nice! kept saying that to irritate charcoal... she hates that our t-shirt is pink...

anyways... i had to hand out the coupons for our carnival today... sigh... everyone all over the place... then there were prefects... and i had to work the control panel... supposed to play at 8.30... but cheryl didn't come back up... had to go look for her...

then i asked fann to help me redeem my cotton candy and popcprn... her hand was already full of coupons... tell you about it later...

then i played pin the tail on the donkey... was hilarious i tell you... i was blind-folded and i walked up to the notice board and pinned. anyways... when i took the blindfold off... i realised that i had pinned it on the donkey's neck... laughed my head off...

then there was the stupid game... was so difficult... and it was 9... didn't finish playing... had to go watch my movie... but i went to the canteen to get my candy floss and popcorn...

walked to canteen... and saw fann queing up for popcorn... she had already redeemed the candy flosses... three of them... so when i walked up to her... i saw this pink t-shirt girl holding up the three candy floss above her head... like the statue of liberty... and i burst out laughing right then and there...

then we went to khoo auditorium to watch our movie... it was tsubasa chronicle! mokona is still so cute... kurogane still hates it and called it a steam bun... and syaoran... was still acting cool... but it was nice... got extra recess... yay...

and then we went for one minute of fame... working control panel again... cannot sit cos' there weren't enough chairs... too many people...

felicia didn't do that bad... good girl... yay...

sigh... teacher's item... ms yeo wasn't there... sigh... out sick... hope she gets well soon...

then... i was hopping about... taking this disc... putting into player... taking out... hop hop hop... and ms chan was there... stupid bossy woman... got really tired...

sigh... then when i got home, fann called me to remind me that her wallet and nicole's were still with me... sigh... thought i could finally take a break and let my aching feet rest... sigh... had to walk back across the road... my poor lunch was sitting in the microwave oven waiting for me... sausages... now that i think about it... i'm gonna be sick...

then... was so tired that i fell asleep on the couch from 4 to 6.30... and my dearly beloved sis burst through the doors yelling so loudly... was so tired... had to wake up to have dinner....

and now... i'm so guilty... so high when everyone else is so sad... sigh... and psle coming so soon... gonna die... top 10 in the level... can i do it?

sigh...

praying for all readers!

later, toony

sigh... how did cailing find my blog? wow...

went quite crazy today... laughing at that *muffled! muffled! MUFFLED!* song the person played at sunday school a few weeks ago... laughing for no reason... laughing... laughing... laughing... sad cos' i was laughing so hard for a lame joke... see how unhumorous my life has become? even aly's blog can't cheer me up... poor girl... ms heng's retiring!!! so sad...

seriously... i'm half dead... damn psle coming soon... and i still can't bring myself to study... cannot absorb a single word of my science notes... finally realised just how much i have to revise for science... i'm already half-dead... no energy to absorb all those words now...

jonathan should have won. i absolutely refuse to listen to hady sing. jonathan is SO much better. my whole class thinks so. period.

was yelling," SMS 1 to 43657! 1 to 43657! or call 1900-112-1901!" on monday after school... was so high then... today... laughing away for no good reason... sad... just burst out laughing at home and startled terri... she wasn't very happy...

can't wait for psle to be over... just a while more... but wo kuai si le (i'm going to die soon)... don't know how i'll make it through two weeks... not getting enough sleep...

sigh...

me? model pupil and miss descretion? you have got to be kidding.

i mean, seriously. i'm not that well-behaved, you know. look, seriously, i am really not that discreet! you should see how i argue for pandas. see how i argue with charcoal.

there's this article in this morning's chinese paper. this moronic idiot got himself drunk and barged into a panda enclosure. he tried to hug it but the startled panda bit him on the leg until you could see his bone. and he bit the panda back. who's in the wrong?

charcoal said that it was the panda's fault. fann and i managed to make her stop talking. then she acted sad. seriously.

then there was a question during maths supp. it goes like this. when enosh was twice of kenan's age, kenan was half of enosh's age and that will be when enosh was kenan's age now. if their age difference was 90, what is kenan's age? ans, 180.

and then, fann and i moved to the front to see the screen. then, fann and i sat down behind janie and liyan. then, fann stood up. her elbow hit my head. then, her head hit dione's bottle and dione's bottl e hit my head. and i became like alysaa ee retarded xin mei and sat there laughing. ms yeo had to ask if i was okay. i just realised that i was so lucky that dione changed her bottle cos' if she didn't, her bottle would be made of metal...

anyways, i have to get off the computer now.

praying for readers!

later, toony

i'm really sorry... it was late... and i was groggy... and you probably hate me cos' of what i typed... really sorry... i just wanted to get to bed... i can barely remember why i typed that... but cos' of that, you probably got your confidence shattered and did badly for your test... i am so sorry... really... really... sorry... i'm just so stupid... that's all... please... please hate me... i'll feel less guilty...

i think i lost a great brother last night... my brother... even closer than my sis... really really sorry... i don't want to lose something again... that's why i like being sad... you don't have anything to lose... i'm really sorry... i was being stupid... really sorry...

no one ever touched me the way you did... really... no one ever did... no one ever worried for me when i cry... and no one ever really treated me with respect before... not until i met you... really really scared that i'll lose the love you gave me... i'm really sorry... it's just like me to do that... i'm dead selfish...

i'm model pupil... but with all the tact i show nowadays... really doubt that...

i'm really drained... really really tired...

please... forgive me...

praying for readers... praying so hard...

later, toony

i'm slacking again!!!!! i'm supposed to be studying... supposed to forget about computers... and i DON'T have anymore time to study... should have started a long time ago... wah... super stressed out... only 3 weeks left... and i'm still updating daily...

gonna have to stop updating this month... so sorry... when i get a serious breakdown, i'll blog, kay? i don't dare to SMS... my mum will get mad...

and small foot... if you stop blaming yourself, you'll be a super evil dude... so blaming yourself isn't that bad... it'll pass with time... if you want to cry, just cry. don't keep it inside... i can't keep my tears inside... they always find their way out and it's annoying sometimes... i cried the day before... so don't worry about it... even my principal encourages it... just cry if you need to... pray hard... don't care so much about the pain... study... study... aiyah... you don't have motivation to study... i'm super stressed out... so weird... study... is important... but forcing yourself to study when youdon't feel like it isn't going to work... trust me, i know...

so... must cheer up first... must think of happy things... like pandas... and monkeys... and my sis and i being good friends... yeah... and your friend super clumsy leh... your friend aly... haha... and must talk to humourous people... they make you smile... must have been funny to see that ball *conk* on your friend's head... just keep imagining what it looks like... so funny...

ran home in the rain today... super heavy rain... and i ran home in it... i KNEW i should have packed my umbrella... but i was too lazy... never mind... running in the rain is so fun... haha... hope i don't fall sick... still recovering from last week...

wah... got one question wrong for listening compre already... that's 0.5 marks gone for english psle... that's 0.5 marks lower than everyone else... die lah... should have listened properly... i was so distracted... stupid idiot keeps popping up in my head... cannot stop thinking about everything... that's why i missed it... die...

but, i will continue to SMILE. so small foot... you MUST be happy! if you're not, then when i'm not happy, no one will comfort me anymore!!! then i'll be so sad, and you'll be even sadder, and that's not good.

so i'm ODERING you to be happy! GET ME???!!! and must smile when you think of me, cos' i can be very comical sometimes... cowering in front of amanda lim and priscilla lol... so childish all of a sudden... made me forget about PSLE... die...

really have to go now...

praying for readers! and you too! you know who you are...

later, toony

very short post... cos' i need to go study...

got my aggrigate today... it was so bad lah... sigh... 233... i'm so gonna die...

i didn't cry for once... cos' i know i didn't study that hard... yeah... didn't go into detail... so stupid and lazy... but i didn't cry...

charcoal has no right to cry... she was talking to me about runescape a few days before the prelims... she never studies... and she still thinks that she can go to RGS with a scholarship... so deluded... sigh...

and... small foot... blaming yourself for that isn't going to help... what's done has been done... apologies should have been made... she should have forgiven you... i know i would have... and you have so many female friends... i can guess that your friend would be a she...

very scared that ms yeo will call my mum... about my aggrigate... cos' it's seriously low... so scared...

anyways, praying for all readers...

later, toony

hey... today was a whirlwind of emotions... i was haappy yesterday cos' God was gonna break my heart today... and... small foot's friend is sad... i can't give that person a reason to smile... i can only cry with that person... if it'll make that person happier... but... try to find out what's wrong... why your friend is so sad... and pray for her... comfort her... but pray really hard for her... if your friend's a her... yeah... sorry for the bad advice... but please don't continue to read this... it'll only worry you more...

i wrote this on a piece of paper today... when i grow up,i want to be able to help people. i want to be able to protect the environment, and i want to be able to save endangered animals. i would like to help people as i would like this world to be filled with more happy people. i would like to protect the environment as i would like fuuture generations to have a nice, safe, UVray-free environment to live in. i want to protect endangered animals as i would like everyone to see rgese magnificent animals like pandas, white tigers, whales, dolphins etc.if i can, i would like to be able to find a dodo bird. if there is even one feather of the dodo bird left, i would like to ensure that they roam this planet again. i would like the world to be able to appreciate the environment and everything in it :).

sigh... that innocence didn't last long... stupid charcoal... you see... today, after recess, fann gave her my bottle, but charcoal won't give it back. so i played with her bottle and dropped it twice. pure accident. she dropped mine once and banged it against things so many times. fine.

she got her face cramps again. i know, i should have given it back to her earlier but i put it on her table nicely. i didn't slam it. and what did she do? not only did she not putr it on my table, she told me to take my bottle before she dropped it. deliberately. when i took it, she had started to let go. can see why fann, esther, nicole and priscilla hate her so much.

comments:
N: LW, i oso hate her, thank you very much.
E: me too.
F: i mean... everyone hates her...
C: i dun... well i hate her too she tt just because she's BIGGER sized. horizontally and vertically...hahax

so wu liao... haha

and the AEP show was so nice. mrs mohindi let us go down late and we got scoldedbecause of that. but the drumming was so nice... wish my sis would do it with me... don't need to ask, she will reject. seriously very nice....

and... small foot... please don't read this... i have to write it down, but please don't read it...






you see... i just went to my p2 and p3 best friend's blog... she said that she was blessed with many good friends... a long list... but my name wasn't there...and... she didn't mention me at all... like i'm no longer there... forgotten... and... and... it's so... sad to realise that i didn't affect her life in any way... i... can't explain it...

but... i had better stop living in the past... there's the future to look forward to... can't be hopeful about it.. i probably won't get any happier... sigh... small foot... if you read this... so sorry... making you worry... don't worry about me...

praying for readers... praying for peace...

later, toony

sometimes... i really am disgusted to myself... my imagination is too wild... it imagines the worst things.. just to prove to myself... stuff... but it's just confirming... just how selfish i really am...

no, i'm not sad... just thinking... writing it out on my blog... my little blog... i want a tagboard... pandas... that 'how to make a 'you' ' thing...

i still love pandas... and baking... and parties... and eclairs... and cookbooks... and spelling bees... and monokuro boos... haha...

before p.e. today, ms loo saw the cookbook in my hands... she is like ms sng... likes the cookbook so much... she also wants to borrow... but i won't let her... the students won't let either of them... ms sng's not happy with me... i keep renewing my loan... right under her nose... hahaha... but so sad... have to return by friday... must... so sad...

during spelling bee, the word psychology came out... thanks Ezee... hee hee...

wah... fann's group is leading... die... is 'calendar' that difficult to spell? die... die... haha...

okay... i'm so happy today... don't know why... is it cos' i don't have to stay back tomorrow? or is it cos' i know exams are coming soon? sigh...

ooh... a blessing from God... yay!!!!

thank goodness sept 11 is over... can get into msn now... but now... small foot not online... so sad... sigh... never mind! now i can study properly! good...

pandas are the best!

praying for readers!

later, toony

for some strange reason, i just can't get into msn... so cannot chat today...

quite late now... i'll just finish typing this, then i'll go to bed...

my goodness... school is already starting to drain me... wake up at 6... i can get very tired, you know... very sian... i just want to sleep...

have to stay back tomorrow... doing class work... lame... and pointless... sigh...

i'm actually quite scared... i'm scared to lose what i've finally got... i'm really scared... i... don't even dare to elaborate... i guess... i'm way too cowardly... selfish... just scared...

i didn't dare to speak up in sunday school... i don't dare to talk to my teachers... i don't know why... teachers scare me...

i still think that pandas rock... and english supp is finally over... thank goodness... boring class... but today, those headlines are really funny... like "stadium air-conditioning fails- fans protest"... haha... laughing so loudly in class until charcoal face got mad at me... i dislike her... was so busy today... and she keeps trying to distract me... and she laughed at fann... fann hates her... (i grumbled "stupid charcoal face", but you didn't hear that=) )

wah... need to sleep already... good night readers!

praying for you!

later,toony

a short notice... i do read comments, small foot... and i didn't get a tagboard cos' i don't know how to... of course i want a tagboard...

wah... going back to school tomorrow... sigh... very tired...

and i would like that song, thanks...

later,toony

copied and pasted from cailing's blog cos' i really think it's meaningful...

People are often unreasonable,
Illogical and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
You will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
Some could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
People will often forget tomorrow;
Be good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
And it will never be enough;
Give the world the best you're got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
It is between you and God;
It is never between you and them anyway.

really like it... that's all...

huimin rocks man... i don't know how she picked the song but that last line really rocks... the pain i feel can NEVER be compared to the pain Jesus felt... on that cross... and i won't mind pain that much anymore... thanks, you guys... you rock... y'all really rock.

so happy today... until i had to go for tuition... it was raining so hard... i think that when it rains, God is sad... when God is sad, it means that someone else is... i wish i knew who that is... i would like to cheer him or her up... i can't help worrying...

but thank goodness the rain stopped. it meant that that person has stopped crying... may God please cheer that person up...

we were driving to the highway when i saw the most horrible thing, ever. this moronic, idiotic, brainless driver threw his beer can out of his car window. just like that! i mean, he is littering! it's ruining our beautiful environment, and it is against the law! liscence plate number is... oh... i forgot...

ai yah... why do we have to have our september hols a month before PSLE? it ruined my study mood... and my chinese isn't that good... i can only read... my chinese vocab sucks...

and i'm not scared of you, small foot... how can i be? i mean... you are like... seriously very nice to me... how can i be scared of someone like you? and... and... i'm not scared of anyone... okay... fine... i'm just shy, okay? i still don't know you well enough, so i don't dare to speak out to you... but seriously... when you just walked up to me and asked me why i'm so scared of you... that was scary... seemed like you were angry... i get very scared when someone is angry with me... so don't scare me like that... don't be aangry with me... i can cry when someone is angry with me... so close to crying...

oh yeah... if you're sad... just... tell me... i can't comfort you... i really can't... just let me listen, kay?

whoa... my mum just cut her finger... i asked her to let me see... but when i saw the blood... i still think that my legs are made of jelly... *faints*

wah... can't believe this... people who have known me for less than 2 years can be closer to me than my own family... weird...

ai yah... ran out of words to type again...

praying for all readers!

later, toony

i finally figured it out... i can't stand being happy when i know that someone else isn't... especially someone i really respect... yeah... that's my problem... so i'm glad that cailing's feeling better now... but don't be so stressed... i should be feeling stressed... psle's in a month... still using the computer...

still sick... and my parents want me to wash dishes... so weird... sigh...

can stop worrying now... thank God for that... happier...

now this is my shortest post yet...

i really... really... don't want anyone worrying about me... so don't... really... don't... i'm not sad... not really... i just died... can't be helped... don't worry... i just need to be revived... but... i can't find the person to do that... Father... please... revive me... give me the will to live...

i'm so lost now... please help me find the way again... please... give me a sign... before i die completely... i don't want to have lived a long life and not have done anything productive... it's to see a smile on someone else's face... a frown i helped turn upside down... even if i can't believe in happiness... i want someone else to feel... to avoid the pain i had to go through... i can't be happy unless i know that someone else is...

i'm living on borrowed time... merely a short time before i go crazy... and i'm still young...

i guess... i care too much for others... too much... i can't help but feel the sadness cailing keeps inside her... it's like... i expect the whole entire world to be happy... maybe then... i'll feel happy...

dear reader, you must be thinking that i'm crazy... not really... this is the person God created... this confused... lost... little girl... in this world of unfeeling machines... unfeeling humans walk up and down the streets... and then... i need that little spark... that spark to light up this cold world of mine... it's so grey...

i'm still exploring this world... this world of mine... cold... dark... can't believe that i once believed that this world is warm... someone... please change that...

humans are so destructive... they destroyed the wonderful world that God created for us... they turned the planet into a... a rock... so empty... so void of God's love... the love Adam and Eve could have... we all still have it... my mistake... please give me a sign... a really meaningful message... like the one small foot sent me... that was really good... it really cheered me up...

now... i'm listening to this song for the 5th time... give me one reason by zoegirl... from cailing's blog... it's so meaningful...i really need something like this...

i have to get back to my work now... sorry for all the conflicting things i typed... pardon me...

don't worry about me... i doubt that i deserve it... it makes conversations difficult... so sorry... i don't cry anymore... to me, that's even worse... don't worry... knowing that someone worries about me makes me worry too... that's me for you... such a very odd girl...

later,toony

i'm dying... been coughing for so long... last night, i was coughing so bad, i wonder how i managed to sleep... sniffling too... have too escape from that pile of mostly science and chinese homework... like, hello? dying and sick person here....

truth be told... i finally figured out what's wrong with me... i'm dying inside... or maybe... inside... i'm already dead...

most people think that dying is difficult... sometimes i disagree... i find it difficult to live... i'm like a person who's comatose... living for the sake of living... i don't know why... i have to have a reason to live... like... a dream... not for results... not for happiness... a dream... a goal... whatever it is that God created me to do...

it's been difficult for you... it's difficult trying to cheer me up... i'm really touched by it... and i really have to thank you for it... it's rare... for anyone... to try to cheer me up... it's always the other way around... so if you need anything... i can't promise to give it to you... i promise to listen... but i'm still too young... it'll be odd...

just know that if you need to talk to anyone... i might not be the best candidate... but i'll still be there to listen...

i can't imagine me not smiling either... i doubt that i can stand that... but... maybe... that day might just come some day...

maple story... it might destroy my results... shouldn't have downloaded it so soon... damn... pardon the language...

oh goodness... i am quite selfish you know... i want to be happy... for my sake... for your sake... for everyone's sake... but psle year... there should be quite a lot of depressed people... lonely people... people who are afraid... as am i...

i love the past too... that's when i was really happy... carefree... without a worry... camp... never felt so at home until i went to camp... i miss camp so much...

my life's changed... my parents lost my sis... they're gonna lose me too... and i doubt they'll care... oh gosh...

i've just realised... i'm not human anymore... i'm too... i... i mourn too much... as the bible says... the wise are in the house of mourning... something like that...

it also says not to be overwise... why kill yourself before your time? sigh... i don't want to be like this... it's so... lonely... such a dark place... i need to escape...

better get off the com before my mum gets home... *sniffs and coughs*

later, toony

cailing... i know you probably will never read this but i just wanna say... please do cheer up... i don't like to know that somone is sad... unless it's me... and... i think that i'm more useless than you... so don't worry about that... please... just don't...

oh gosh... that song on your blog is really moving... it's making me depressed... and i like that poem too... it's really good... you're a good girl too... don't worry... you're friend will forgive you... a friend always will...

not feeling well today... woke up with a bad sore throat... and we ran out of lemon ice cubes... so cannot make lemon honey to drink... can't continue drinking honey, so i'm drinking plain water... it makes my throat hurt so much...

i don't think i'll tell my mum... she might just scold me... and for once i don't have to sneak this... my mum's not at home right now and she forgot to lock the master bedroom door this morning...

you said that you'll always be online... where are you now? can you fill this empty space for me? you promised to be there for me all the time... don't go back on it now... begging you...

so depressed after reading cailing's blog... i don't know why... i rarely even talk to her... i don't see her in church often... can never find her... now i'm feeling so sad for her... and so empty... like all that i've done in these 12 years doesn't matter... that it will never help... and that makes me depressed...

man... i do feel useless... i want to help her so much... but i don't even dare to leave a small message on her tagboard... i don't want her to scold me or anything... and she might feel awkard to talk to me... and we will never talk... really... my mum's right... i really am useless....

cailing seems so... together... guess she's someone like me... i have profound admiration for her... but... i still think... least she's and obedient girl... i keep doubting my faith... can't stop it...

i cry to myself too... don't worry about that... release all that fustration and sadness and negative emotions to clear your head... then you can do a good job of cleaning up your mess...

your friend will forgive you... that i'm pretty sure of... human beings can be understanding when they want to... and if she's your friend... she will forgive you... and apologise too...

this is useless... cailing will never read this... i can be so stupid sometimes... and dumb... and blind... i keep thinking that i'm mature but i'm really not... i'm still young and stupid... i don't deserve anything really... and... and... it's gonna be really hard to change my perception of myself...

i grew up with it for 12 years... and i've never felt complimented before... merely rewards for what i've done well in... but i've never felt useful before... merely uneeded... and... so insignificant...

will anyone be able to change that?

later,toony

so sorry small foot and everyone who wants to see me happy...

this phase came so suddenly... i'm so depressed all of a sudden.. i really don't know why... i feel so empty inside... and... and... i can't breathe properly.... should i see a psychologist? i don't think i should... this just came so suddenly...

i was reading cailing's blog... i followed the links from small foot's... she said that she felt so useless... so useless... and i understood... her parents are like mine... discouraging.... never truly proud... they make me feel useless too... and i'm still young... still a child...

i don't like this, you know... this just came so suddenly... not sad... just... empty... just empty... can anyone understand?

in fact... now that i think about it... there is nothing much for me to feel happy about... i'm... not whole... not human...

i'm so stuck... i'm drifting between human and body... so close to body... walking one... thinking, breathing one...

and it feels so different... just... not whole...

i can be a writer someday...

sorry small foot...

forgive me, Lord...

still... i will give that testimonial i promised...

and please, please, fill that hole for me, Lord...

and may You forgive me...

for having doubted... please... please... fill this hole for me Lord... let me feel whole again...

people who like regular blog updaters should love me.

seriously lah. this is the second post in a day... just so random...

oh yeah... i forgot the URL for your blog fann... sorry... i think too much about mine... pandas... pandas... pandas... pandas... are nicer than monkeys... i beat small foot in an arguement... haha... haha... haha...

yeah... i'm slightly unstable with regards to my mental health... like fann! and... and... and... elijah! and linda! yeah... linda...

wah... SI was so boring... never thought i would think that... can't wait for the finals... hope jon wins... better not be paul... hady, okay... jasmine? *pukes* damn... i'm gonna have to clean the keyboard... not nice typing i my vomit... eww...

okay... that was made up... linda is so gonna kill me if she reads this...ms yeo's getting married in 3 years...

forgive me for being mean people... if i ever was to you... in your opinion... sorry... sorry... sorry...

i'm not sorry 'bout the jasmine thing though... i seriously don't like her...

sorry... sorry... thanks small foot... can't thank you enough... i promise that i won't do anything stupid... or dumb... and thank your friend sf for me... such a kind person...

ahh... holidays are finally here... but cannot enjoy... must do tuition work and homework... must hand up by sunday and monday respectively... holidays don't seem like holidays anymore...

i wanna listen to music... any recommendations?

spelling bee was so fun lah... got all my words correct... i wonder who else did... ooh...

pandas are still the best, so no thoughts about how panda meat tastes like okay?

cannot vote for SI... so expensive... in America, it's free you know... no fair... rich contestants will win lah... no fair people...

wonder if any of the SI contestants like pandas...

pigs are cute too... wonder how huggable small foot's monkey is... my renee... my pink pig... terri... my favourite panda... that ball...

don't have to wake up at 6 tomorrow... so good... hope i won't wake up at 6... i might get to used to waking up at 6... hope i don't...

ai yah... don't know what to type...

so...

till the next post...

later, toony

*wrote in my notebook*

*10.50, science period, ms koh's going through practise paper 5 when all corrections have been finished*

class is so boring and meaningless... thinking of the sneezing panda and its shocked mother lol... go youtube and search for sneezing panda... or go to pandaloverparadise.blogspot.com and follow the links...

i'm smiling a lot more now... when there is a valid reason of course... i don't cry so much... thinking happy thoughts... *thinks of a pandaland*... yeah i'm mad about pandas...

this is so random man... i'm dying here... really dying here... to more mins till' ms koh's lesson is over... can't wait for spelling bee...

dying leh... really dying from boredom... nearly fell asleep in ms koh's class once... can't smile right now... sorry small foot(this is becoming a trend)... can't smile now...

damn. ms koh's handing out homework. can't she lay off it for a day? very sian here...

do i look egoistic? i just love pandas, that's all... ah... i'm really very sian here... gonna die in school...

maths ain't difficult, clement... you just need more practise... and practise with the stuff i practise with... makes tessalations difficult... i on the other hand can't understand science... gonna flunk psle science... really cannot understand... sigh...

better get started on my work...

gotta stop writing now...

later, toony

wah... really didn't realise... i'm not as smart as my grades paint me out to be...

really want to say, thanks everyone. really sorry i was so stupid and short-sighted... need better specs...

really late now... finish this post first...

i... i... have absolutely nothing to say...

cept' for... thanks everyone... specially you small foot...

and thank God too. i really, really owe Him big time.

then again... everyone does...

oh man... know what, i'm gonna pray for everyone i know tonight.

pray that they forgive me...

pray that they will have a fruitful life...

don't thank me people... i should be doing it...

ai yah... really late now...

gotta sleep...

and that dude i mentioned in the first post?

he's a bit of an idiot... and he studies too much... he makes me wanna kill my head...

ai yah... really gotta go... till the next opportunity to sneak the computer!

later, toony

damn... that was seriously very kind small foot... you have no idea how much that message helped... oh gosh...

yeah... i'm smiling slightly more now... but... to feel really happy... that's a bit beyond me now...

i forgot what it was like to be naive...

how i wish i could be naive again...

but then again... i wouldn't have realised what good my blog is doing... it's letting people understand me... truly understand me... i guess... i'll never be that innocent girl anymore...

then again... do i want to be innocent? is it what i really want? no... i don't think so...

i want to feel real. to feel whole... to know who will comfort me when i cry... who will understand what i need... soup for my cold... coal in the winter...

now that i think about it... me feeling so depressed ain't all that bad... it really was a blessing from God... oh... thank you...

i truly feel very blessed... thank you...

i feel loved... appreciated... valued...

the place where i live may not be warm... but everything is a blessing...

is this wisdom? it's so... twisted...

nothing should be made clear to us... we won't know how to handle it... where's the fun in having answers supplied to you?

wow... as i look back now... i realise that all the horrible things that have happened to me are blessings... i should really praise God for it all...

i've ran out of words to type...

and thanks, small foot...

i really do love sundays.

1 and 1/2 hrs to 2 of pure sanctuary.

oh yeah. small foot, my left arm doesn't hurt anymore. it hurts only when someone REALLY hits it. on the spot. so don't. cos' i'll kill you.

sure the place is cold, and sure, i don't have blood relatives there. but i've got all my big bros and big sisters. they rock. a lot.

man. can't wait for camp. i'm sure that it'll rock. ooh... i wanna go back to the p5 camp. it was so cool. oh i loved the chicken wings.

i'm 159.2 cm tall. priscilla's 164.2 cm tall. i caught up by 1 cm, okay?

if i could do anything, i would want everyone to be happy. with everyone happy, no more trees will be cut down. no more killing of animals. no more polluting of the environment. and everyone will be happy! that would be great...

but... with everyone happy... no one would be human anymore. we'll be robots, without the ability to feel hurt, pain, anger, sadness...

and i still won't be happy...

then again, is that what i really want? to know that sadness will never plague any one ever again? no... that is not what i want...

i want humans to be humans... to be considerate, and kind, and helpful... but without evil, there is no good.

maybe, the devil is good. without the devil, there will be no angels... no saints, no goodness...

but the devil still sucks. he's mean. he makes me sad and he makes me doubt my faith. i want him to go away.

still...

i love that 2 hours of play...

and now begins, yet another long wait for sunday...

sigh... i'm depressed again...

my gosh. can't mum learn about what i want and need? she called me a failure... well... maybe i am...

my dad doesn't even care about what goes on in the house. all he cares about is work, work, work. he only noticed my bear after three years.

my mum is so biased. and not in my favour. everything is for my sis. i just step close to the line and i am dead.

my sis is my tormentor. she does the worst things to me and acts innocent. she tortures me with what good stuff she gets and refuses to share. she does nothing for me and scolds me at every opportunity.

i've stuck to my side of the verse. i'm honouring them the best i can. can't they stop exasperating me?

i seriously don't think that my parents love me. i'm just this thing they have to feed, clothe, yell at and this 'thing' does nothing except to shame them.have they ever thought that i should be proud of me fo once?
but everything i do, i do it my best, so they won't scold me, but sometimes, when i am really really not good at it, they think it's cos i don't like it, i mean, like, it's cos' i "am too lazy to be bothered with it". what rubbish is that?

where's my angel? that brother i need.i had my guardian once. i really did. i was happier then. i could talk to him. he was the only one i could talk to.not anymore.

don't get me wrong, people. no matter what, i will always be there for everyone. whoever needs it, i'll help you, and pray for you. i really will.

i just need someone to pray for me.