cailing... i know you probably will never read this but i just wanna say... please do cheer up... i don't like to know that somone is sad... unless it's me... and... i think that i'm more useless than you... so don't worry about that... please... just don't...

oh gosh... that song on your blog is really moving... it's making me depressed... and i like that poem too... it's really good... you're a good girl too... don't worry... you're friend will forgive you... a friend always will...

not feeling well today... woke up with a bad sore throat... and we ran out of lemon ice cubes... so cannot make lemon honey to drink... can't continue drinking honey, so i'm drinking plain water... it makes my throat hurt so much...

i don't think i'll tell my mum... she might just scold me... and for once i don't have to sneak this... my mum's not at home right now and she forgot to lock the master bedroom door this morning...

you said that you'll always be online... where are you now? can you fill this empty space for me? you promised to be there for me all the time... don't go back on it now... begging you...

so depressed after reading cailing's blog... i don't know why... i rarely even talk to her... i don't see her in church often... can never find her... now i'm feeling so sad for her... and so empty... like all that i've done in these 12 years doesn't matter... that it will never help... and that makes me depressed...

man... i do feel useless... i want to help her so much... but i don't even dare to leave a small message on her tagboard... i don't want her to scold me or anything... and she might feel awkard to talk to me... and we will never talk... really... my mum's right... i really am useless....

cailing seems so... together... guess she's someone like me... i have profound admiration for her... but... i still think... least she's and obedient girl... i keep doubting my faith... can't stop it...

i cry to myself too... don't worry about that... release all that fustration and sadness and negative emotions to clear your head... then you can do a good job of cleaning up your mess...

your friend will forgive you... that i'm pretty sure of... human beings can be understanding when they want to... and if she's your friend... she will forgive you... and apologise too...

this is useless... cailing will never read this... i can be so stupid sometimes... and dumb... and blind... i keep thinking that i'm mature but i'm really not... i'm still young and stupid... i don't deserve anything really... and... and... it's gonna be really hard to change my perception of myself...

i grew up with it for 12 years... and i've never felt complimented before... merely rewards for what i've done well in... but i've never felt useful before... merely uneeded... and... so insignificant...

will anyone be able to change that?

later,toony